I woke up to the sound of an e-mail
coming into my inbox. I open the e-mail to find a blog post from
Jezebel, a feminist blog which I read religiously. The title? 'Shut
the **** up about Lady Gaga's weight already'.
Apparently the tabloids are ablaze with
headlines about how the beautiful, slender pop star has gained 25
pounds.
This makes me feel an anxious stiring
in my (softer than when I left Canada) stomach. As my time in Malawi
comes to a close, I have been thinking about what it will be like to
go back to the Western World. There are many things that I'm looking
forward to in Canada, at the top of the list being family, friends,
consistent clean water, the light going on EVERY time you flick the
switch, and (of course), cheese.
One thing that I'm not looking forward
to is my culture's obsession with weight. Living in Malawi has been
very liberating on this front. For the first time I can remember, I
have let the weight thing go. In Canada, I learned at a very young
age that thin = beautiful and grew up conscious about my weight. I'm
sad to admit that I can not remember one day since I was 11 years old
when it wasn't on my mind, how if only I was thinner, I would be more
attractive. If I wasn't trying to loose weight, I was trying to
accept my weight and not gain any.
Moving to Malawi and living in a culture where bigger is
often considered more beautiful has given me a completely new
perspective. It has allowed me to worry less about how people
perceive the way I look and to feel more comfortable in my skin. This
change in perspective, combined with a prevalence of carby foods and
not having access to boot camp classes 3 mornings a week has caused
me to put on a few kilos... and guess what?
The world hasn't ended!
I still enjoy going to the beach, have
meaningful friendships and a lovely boyfriend who couldn't care
less. The summation of my discomfort with gaining weight has come in
the form of the waistbands on my pants. So why do I want to warn my
friends and family that I've gained weight so that I feel less shame
about it when I get home? I feel nauseated when I think about trying
to reintegrate into a culture that holds narrow and oftentimes
destructive ideals of beauty.
I recall with a new awareness the
painful effects of idealizing thinness. There was a young woman a few
years ahead of me in high school who died from anorexia and I have
friends who were hospitalized as young as 13 from the same. I
remember being 12 years old and lying in bed hungry by choice, fantasizing
about food in my room directly above a fully stocked kitchen. Living
in a place where over a quarter of the population is physically
stunted due to malnourishment has given me some perspective on how
messed up that really is.
I hope that I can go back to Canada
with a positive perspective that will help heal this societal
problem but I worry about how it will feel too. It is one thing to
experience a shift in values, but another to hold onto those values
in a place where every billboard tells you that you are wrong.
I suppose speaking out about it is a
first step, and I feel grateful to have this blog as a forum to start
doing so.